Bored at work.

I'm so fucking bored today. I'm here at work doing absolutely nothing. The highlight of my day was going out to Indian food with some colleagues. That was fun but thats all I've done. I think I'm totally caught up on all blogs and I've caught up on some podcasts as well. So now I'm just wasting time surfing on random things.



I found some images from the old He-Man cartoon. I was a He-Man fanatic as a child, had all the action figures and even the briefs. Looking at these old pictures I see now where I developed my appreciation for the male form. This probably explains why I have no affinity for the twink aesthetic. You best have bulging muscles or you're invisible to me.

Looking at this composite I'm stunned to see that there were so many female characters in the show. I honestly don't remember them and was obviously fixated on the male characters. When I was about five or six years my parents got me a She-Ra to go with my He-Man collection of action figures. I was so disgusted with the "doll," as I referred to it, I went outside and launched her onto the roof of the garage. There would be no women in my version of Eternia! I shouldn't say that I didn't remember all of the female characters. I do remember the one dressed in the bird suit. Her name is Sorceress and He-Man always went to her for advice. She's obviously his drag-queen-guardian-fairy-godmother.

I never had any sexual feelings for any of the characters when I was a child but these are some hot male cartoons. He-Man is pretty fucking studly with his harness and fur briefs. His buddy Duncan (the green dude) looks like he has a nice eight pack underneath all that armor. I certainly never once for a minute had any inclinations toward Skeletor but he looks fucking stacked. I really don't mind that his head has no flesh on it really. Its nothing that a brown paper bag can't fix.

Consumer Slop

The Consumer Electronics Show is happening this week in Las Vegas. Being a person that lusts over technological gadgets and gizmos, especially ones that I would never really need, I have read about many of the latest and greatest creations coming to the market. Although I lust over many of the items coming to the market there are those items that elicit a sarcastic guffaw.

Take for example these items:


This may look like an ordinary gas guzzling SUV but its not. If you look closely there is a large antenna on the roof that allows one to have high speed internet just about anywhere via satellite. Now isn't enough that we're engaged in a war over oil so that people can drive their SUVs to the mall? The least they could do in return is give their kids a fucking book to read while they're on vacation so that there is some hope for the species. I cannot imagine how fat and stupid the offspring of those that buy this device are going to be.


Next are these lovelies. The Shure E500 sound isolating earphones priced at a very affordable $499. I have to admit that I myself have a pair of Shure headphones and I did pay more than I think one should for something the size of a nut. However this time I think Shure has taken it too far. Apparently these are the ultimate in exterior sound reduction and are equipped with three speakers inside each bud: two woofers and a tweeter. For $499 they could have made it an option to get your monogram in bling on each of the buds don't ya think? Not only that but the phones have microphones on the exterior so if someone wants to talk to you, push a button, music is switched off and outside noise is piped in. My excuse of not being able to talk to someone because I have my iPod on with earbuds jammed into my ear is worth far more than $499.


Here is the ultimate. The Nethrone. Its a throne for the internet. Lets get real though its a sex terminal. Someone wasted precious mental energy designing this piece of crap. I feel really bad for any ad agency that has to come up with a campaign to promote this item. Look at it! It screams "come masturbate on the internet." I cannot fathom how many of these are going to be found at garage sales years from now. Somehow for me this is analogous to sunken fire pits that can be found in homes built in the 70s.

A New Look. Kinda.

I now have a proper title banner for my blog! I made it with Adobe Image Ready with a photo I took of a Roy Lichtenstein sculpture. I have finally, after several years, gotten the concept of layers and how they work. Now that I know about them I think its so amazing and I can't imagine making a graphic any other way. I would have liked to have redone the entire look of the blog and have something that looks as cool as Nathan's blog but my attempts were leading to horrific results. Not only does he have perfectly coifed body hair but his blog is a paragon of design as well. One thing I've learned is that HTML is so lame because everything is a box. No rounded edges, just boxes. So boring!

Now that I'm back to work I'm not cooking like I was when I was home. We've been subsisting on meals-in-a-bag. They're actually quite tasty and not too bad in terms of fat and calories. We especially like the Bertolli-brand variety. If my mom knew I was eating frozen Italian food out of a bag she'd get so depressed. In any case eating the meals in the bag keep a handle on the portion sizes which is good since I've been a real slacker about going to the gym lately. This week I'm a loser so I have to go to the gym next week or I'll be a fat loser.

Regarding my next podcast. I am waiting until I receive my new headset that I purchased earlier this week to do another cast. Once I get the headset I'm planing on doing some joint casts over Skype with some fellow bloggers/podcasters.

Let me know what you think about the new artwork. I'm off to bask in the return of Project Runway after its Christmas hiatus.

Today I'd Rather Be...

Here


Here


or Here

Back To Work!

I was standing in a dry river bed in the desert with a group of people. The river bed was deep enough so that the ground of desert was just below eye level, around the height of my neck. In the river bed there was a press conference given by an olympian athlete regarding some kind of an affair he had. Someone mentioned cross dressing but I wasn't paying too much attention because I was distracted by the rustling on the ground in the distance. I attempted to fix my attention on the olympian in front of the crowd but kept getting distracted.

I looked over after hearing a disturbance in the brush and saw a small lizard charging at me from the desert kicking up sand and dirt as he drew nearer. I was fascinated by what I was seeing but at the same time knew I had to move so I shifted my position but just enough so that I could still witness the lizard running toward me. It didn't matter. The lizard changed its course and as he got closer I saw that it was a Gila monster, the only poisonous lizard in the world whose venom is quite potent. As he approached the ledge of the riverbed he leapt and attached himself to my neck with his mouth. I felt a small pinch on my neck and then something hot going into my flesh. I threw the lizard off me and onto the ground. I had damaged him enough that he seemed to be writhing somewhere between death and paralysis. I took my pen that I was using to take notes on the press conference that was still happening without interruption, and stabbed the gila monster through the heart.

When I arrived at the hospital there were only residents in the ER. I explained to them that I had been bit in the neck by a gila monster and needed antivenin immediately. After hearing my request the residents erupted into pandemonium. They had no idea how to prepare or administer the antivenin. They opened package after package trying to mix component A with component B and only achieving a pink sludge that looked hardly suitable for injection. In the midst of the pandemonium, in which I was remaining rather calm, I picked up a sheet of instructions on the floor, still folded neatly for packaging. It read:

Cool component A and B on ice for five minutes. Mix both components
on ice until a free flowing liquid forms, about two minutes.

I went up to one of the residents who was covered in sweat trying to mix A and B at room temperature. I told him what the directions said but he turned to me, sweat dripping off his brow, and yelled "You know NOTHING!"

I turned and left the hospital. The pandemonium had spread to other floors and empty boxes with direction sheets were showering down from the windows above me. All the while I was feeling my neck where I was bit. It wasn't tender or sore and I figured that the problem had solved itself.

Somehow I found myself at a baseball game sitting with a group of people who acted as if they were my coworkers. They were happy to see me once I arrived and asked my why I was so late. As soon as I sat down a maitre d' with slick black hair a pencil mustache wearing a white coat and extremely tight black pants approached me and asked me what I wanted to drink. Without me even replying he handed me a glass of white wine that was push away by one of my coworkers who said, "You can't give him a $75 glass of wine! Bring us a pitcher of strawberry shakes and some glasses." Instantly a pitcher of what looked like strawberry daiquiris appeared in the waiter's hand and he poured each one of us a glass. I took a sip of my daiquiri, which was quite delicious and refreshing, sat back and fell asleep from the boredom of watching a baseball game.

Then my alarm went off and I woke up to get ready for work.

Last night as I was trying to get comfortable on our way past its prime twelve year old mattress I drifted off into a half ass state of sleep that resulted in the dream I just described above. I never sleep well the night that precedes my return to work after a weekend or a long holiday.

1986

I remember the year and exactly where I was when it first occurred to me that time only moved in one direction. It was the fall 1986, I was six years old, I was in the car with my mom on Staten Island in front of a house we called the Tomb of The Pharoh due to its unusual ancient egyptian style. I asked my mom, "When will it be 1986 again?" For some reason I thought that time was cyclical. I don't know why. My mom seemed confused and asked me why I had asked that question. I replied to her, "I like 1986, its been fun. I want to know when I can do it again." She smiled and told me that it wouldn't ever be 1986 again but there would be more fun times ahead. It was then that I learned that time only moved in one direction. I was partly devastated.



I have to admit I felt something similar tonight when I saw Kelly LeBrock on the season premiere of Celebrity Fit Club 3. Here was the woman who was concocted as the perfect woman by the horny protagonists Gary and Wyatt in one of my favorite childhood movies, Weird Science. They meticulously ironed out every detail of her body on Wyatt's computer whilst donning bras on their heads and she appeared to them in a cloud of pink mist in nothing but a pair of blue boy briefs and a cut-off tee. It was the only time I think I'd ever been aroused by a female in a movie. However the contemporary Kelly LeBrock is old, twice the size of the one I knew from childhood and it isn't because she's lost her sex appeal that I'm no longer aroused by her.

Truth be told Kelly doesn't look bad. She has a little extra weight but she's not out of control by any means. Its just weird to see how much she has changed. I don't think I've fully reflected that its been twenty years since I first saw her as that perfect woman. She's since gone through many changes and so have I.

JJD on Gay Empire put it best: "It's not that I hadn't yet experienced time. But I'd experienced it unreflectively, and changes came as sudden jolts in my existence."

Sigh, when will it be 1986 again?

Happy New Year: KrebsCast#5

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