Lucky 13: Scariest NHLers

Cross any black cats yesterday? See anything strange? If you weren't aware by now, yesterday was Friday the 13th. In fine Friday the 13th fashion, I will run down some of the scariest players to ever lace them up. Here are 13 NHLers that you won't want to find in your nightmares.

#13 - Zdeno Chara

At a hulking 6'9, 255, Chara is built more like a power forward in the NBA than an NHL defenceman. While he doesn't fight often (probably because nobody is dumb enough to drop the gloves with him) you will not like him when he gets angry. When he's not busy crushing opponents or tossing them like ragdolls, he enjoys eating a good set of twins.

#12 - Gordie Howe

Here's a guy who has played in four different decades and had many offensive records until Gretzky broke them. You would think that somebody with such longevity and offensive prowess didn't like to mix it up too much but there's a reason why the Gordie Howe hat trick is a goal, assist and a fight. If you want to go into the corners with Mr. Hockey, you are guaranteed to come out with one thing; his elbow in your face.

#11 - Stu Grimson

Stu Grimson was one of the premier enforcers of the 90's. With a 6'6 frame and the nickname, The Grim Reaper, what isn't there to fear about? While his points total was rather lousy (39 points in 729 career games), he knew what his job was and amassed over 2,000 penalty minutes doing it.

#10 - Dave "The Hammer" Schultz

Schultz was a part of the infamous Broad Street Bullies teams. With Bobby Clarke being one of the biggest pricks to play in the NHL, the guy protecting him had to have had his hands full. As a result, Schultz holds the single season record for most penalty minutes with 472.

#9 - Georges Laraque

Georges seems like a nice guy, one may even think he is a gentle giant...until they see him bust some faces. Laraque is one of the best enforcers in the game today and a simple youtube search for him will verify that. Is there a scarier vegan on the face of the earth?

#8 - Dave "Tiger" Williams

Here is a player that Tie Domi idolized. That should tell you all you need to know about his toughness. While he was labeled as an enforcer, Tiger could score as well. It wasn't uncommon to see him finish a season with 40-50 points and 300 penalty minutes.

#7 - Tie Domi

By far one of the smallest enforcers to ever play the game, Domi wasn't afraid to drop them no matter how much bigger his opponent was. Domi's fighting strategy usually involved jerseying the guy and dropping bombs on him. Whether foe or fan, nobody is safe from the wrath of Tie.

#6 - Marty McSorley

There's a reason Gretzky scored 2,857 points, that reason is because he had this psychopath patrolling the ice. Lay your hands on the great one and he will get his hands on you. Just take a look at his stats and check out the teams he played on with Gretzky and without. You will notice the difference in penalty minutes.

#5 - Derek Boogaard

With a 23-9-4 fight record (according to the voters at hockeyfights.com), The Boogeyman is no joke. He is regarded as one of the top fighters in the game today. He only has 10 points in 198 games and believe me, it had nothing to do with Jacques Lemaire's coaching style. The 6'8, 257 lb enforcer only has one job and that is to destroy opponent's faces. Just as Todd Fedoruk.

#4 - Red Horner

During his playing days, there were few tougher than Horner. He led the league in penalty minutes in 8 of his 12 seasons. Horner amassed total of 1,264 penalty minutes in 490 career games. Now that might not seem like a ton but you must remember that Horner played in the 30's. To get a penalty you practically had to two-hand a guy over the face.

#3 - Bob Probert

A hockey enforcer? Scary. A drug addict? Scary. Combine the two and you get Bob Probert. In my opinion, Probert was the premier enforcer (note: I didn't say fighter because we all know who that king was) of the 90's. As insane as Probert was on the ice, he was equally as psychotic off the ice. In 2004 he had to be subdued with tasers and stun guns and in 2005 he assaulted a police officer. I definitely wouldn't want to be in this guy's bad books.

#2 - Eddie Shore

Eddie Shore is a nutcase. I'll let his wikipedia entry do the talking

"During their first practice with the Bruins, Shore strutted back and forth in front of Coutu and Cleghorn. Coutu body-slammed Shore, head-butted, elbowed, and tried to torment Shore. Coutu picked up the puck and made a rush at Shore. The two players collided. Shore held his ground and Coutu flew through the air violently crashing to the ice. Shore's ear was almost ripped off but he barely noticed it. Coutu was out cold and was out of commission for a week. Shore visited several doctors who wanted to amputate the ear, but found one who sewed it back on. After refusing anesthetic, Shore used a mirror to watch the doctor sew the ear on."

Umm...WHAT. THE. FUCK.

#1 - Wendel Clark

Wendel Clark was the scariest hockey player to ever play the game, hands down. This guy was basically Ovechkin before Ovechkin but with balls. He scored goals, he hit hard and dropped you faster than you could say 1967. He is also the feature of THE GREATEST YOUTUBE VIDEO OF ALL TIME!

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Did I miss anybody? Who gives you nightmares? Mike Ricci? Drop em in the comments!

As an aside, 7 of the 13 players on the list are from Saskatchewan. If only I stayed in Saskatchewan, I could have became a hulking 6'4, 240 lb professional face smasher. TRUCULENCE

Lucky 13: My Most Hated NHLers

Since everybody loves a good list, on the 13th of every month I will compile a list of my top 13 whatever-comes-to-minds.

While watching the Leafs getting routed, I had a great idea for a list but I figured I should do my 13 most hated NHLers instead because starting off with a list of 13 ways to kill yourself may be a bit morbid.

Now there are some notable retired guys like Claude Lemieux, Ulf Samuelsson, Jeremy Roenick, etc missing from the list but that's because I'm only doing active players.

SI Player Poll's Dirtiest Player

#13 - Steve Ott

Make no mistake about it, Steve Ott is a shit disturber. His job is to get under your skin and he is great at it but there's a fine line between being a pest and being a dirty player. Steve Ott charges, hits high and gouges eyes. As with most pests nowadays, he only drops mitts against lesser opponents and turtles anytime he is confronted by a heavyweight.

Certified Douchebag Moment:

You don't see it, but he gouges the eyes of Moen in this fight. I would guess it happens at the 0:34 mark when you see Moen kicking his feet.

CAT FIGHT!!!

#12 - Alex Burrows

From pulling hair in a fight to hitting a summer rec league goalie in the face I simply don't know how anybody aside from annoying Canucks fans can like this guy.

Certified Douchebag Moment:

Hair pulling commences at the 1:23 mark.

Here is Blake celebrating what is probably the 2nd goal in a 8-2 loss

#11 - Jason Blake

Now I hated this guy when he was on the Islanders so you can imagine how I felt when we signed him long-term. He was always a bit of an after-the-whistle agitator, a puck hog and an excessive celebrator. As much as I hated him as an Islander, at least he scored for them. If I see him take a shot into the opposing goalie's chest one more time...

Certified Douchebag Moment:

Just so you know, it's okay to pass to the guys in blue.

The reverse Thomas-Missile

#10 - Tim Thomas

Now I really shouldn't hate on Tim Thomas. I mean, he's such a feel good story. A career minor leaguer who finally gets his big break and ends up winning a Vezina? Disney, I'm sure you'll want to pick up the rights on this. But when Thomas isn't busy doing his best Ron Hextall impression (acting like a tough guy until Felix Potvin breaks your face) or participating in the 100m dash after losing in OT, he is busy launching his body at opposing players.

Certified Douchebag Moment:

I'm still not sure why there wasn't a penalty on this play...

For 4 easy payments of $9.99, you can get your own Alex the ragdoll today!

#9 - Alexei Kovalev

Alexei Kovalev possesses a great shot and has possibly the best hands in the NHL but lacks the heart to put it all together. The way he turns it on and off makes him one of the most frustrating players to watch. Remember when there were talks of him being traded to the Leafs?

Certified Douchebag Moment:

Go Habs Go!

Mike Ribeiro must be part Chinese because I haven't seen diving this good since Beijing

#8 - Mike Ribeiro

Sure Ribeiro is crazy good at shoot outs but he's also the biggest diver in the league. This is actually embarassing to watch and is a total disgrace to the game. And what the hell happened to I before E except after C when spelling his name?

Certifed Douchebag Moment:

The cleanest player in the NHL joins the cleanest team in the NHL

#7 - Chris Pronger

Captain elbows, as sleza likes to call him, doesn't have eight suspensions to his name for being squeaky clean. Unfortunately, he doesn't just use his elbows and he will resort to cheap shots, kicks and even stomps to make sure he gets some time off from the rink and some one-on-one time with the local reporters.

Certified Douchebag Moment:

Here's Pronger's audition tape for the role in Saw.

Mommy!

#6 - Todd Bertuzzi

He was once known as one of the most dominant power forwards in the NHL and now he is probably known as one of the biggest goons in the NHL. Sure it might be unfair to label him after one incident but the bad spotlight he has put on the league is still hurting us and detractors will always use this one incident as why the NHL is a violent product.

Certified Douchebag Moment:

Does this really come as a surprise to anyone?

Why does it seem like everybody with Napoleon Complex plays in the NHL?

#5 - Jordin Tootoo

Tootoo made a name for himself nailing players in the World Junior's years back and now he's making a name for himself as a cheapshot artist in the NHL.

Certified Douchebag Moment:

Jordin Tootoo taking a page out of the Flyers playbook.

Esa Tikkanen 2.0 - Now with more biting power

#4 - Jaarko Ruutu

When I think of Finland, I think of their line of NHL goalies, Selanne's awesomeness and man-purse wielding wannabe NHLers. I seldom think of pesky turtlers who have cannibal tendencies.

Certified Douchebag Moment:

Tastes like chicken.

Ring my Bell

#3 - Daniel Alfredsson

From mocking the Sundin stick incident to intentionally firing the puck at Niedermayer, Alfredsson sure has a number of d-bag moments. I think there's only one that fits the bill in every Leafs fans' eye though.

Certified Douchebag Moment:

This just made the series win that much sweeter.

Chris Neil trying to retract his head back into his shell

#2 - Chris Neil

Words cannot describe how much I despise this guy. I can't stop watching this.

Certified Douchebag Moment:

I love it when he clutches his face at the end.

Reunited and it feels so goooood

#1 - Sean Avery

I have a hard time picking just one

Certified Douchebag Moment:

Marty should have Belfour'd him.

Well, there you have it. Agree of disagree, let me know your thoughts. Who'd I leave out? Who do I have that doesn't belong on here? Who is possibly more douche-ier than Avery?